When A Man
Loves
a Woman;
by
Claude M. Steiner Phd
2901 Piedmont Avenue
Berkeley, CA 94705
e-mail: csteiner@igc.apc.org
\
© Copyright 2008
" Plus 'ca change plus
la meme chose. " as the French say. I wrote the first version of this book,
fifteen years ago, as we in the US where just recovering from the shock of the
cultural revolutions of the sixties. We had witnessed a score of liberation
movements, black power, gay power, gray power, the free speech movement, the
sexual freedom league, radical psychiatry, all fueled by the anti Vietnam war
movement.
Intimately connected with
all of these rebellions against the status-quo was this century's wave of
feminism. The San Francisco-Berkeley area, where I have lived since my young
adulthood, was the birthplace of many of these movements and feminism took a
powerful hold here--as it did in the rest of the country--creating great social
and cultural changes.
These movements succeeded
in bringing about important reforms, and for a few years there was a feeling of
triumph for blacks, gays, women, mental patients and mental health workers who
wanted change. But in the eighties, under the leadership of president Ronald
Reagan, we began to see the predictable backlash. Today, affirmative action has
been rolled back and feminism has become a stigmatized word among many men and
women.
But fortunately for all
humanity, the empowerment of women that started in this modern wave of feminism
continues and cannot in fact be stopped or rolled back. For all but the most
conservative, feminism and the sexual revolution have forever changed the nature
of male-female relationships. This transformation has become so thorough and
commonplace that young people today are largely unaware of the profound changes
they are beneficiaries of.
When a Man Loves a Woman
was written to show how feminism could either make heterosexual relationships
more contentious and confusing, or more exciting and rewarding, depending on how
men reacted to it. I argued that for men who understand how to respond to
feminism in a fruitful way, it would revitalize their intimate relationships.
Today, I am reexamining the issues which I explored in that book and rewriting
it to reflect the more complex realities of the new century. Feminism has
changed the relations between men and women in a profound and permanent way and
yet, the fundamental question is the same: How can a good man make and keep a
deep, meaningful and loving relationship with an emancipated woman?
In the past thirty years
sexual mores have gone through a major revolution, and even some
counter-revolutions. Divorce has become commonplace. For the first time,
ordinary people do not feel obligated to remain trapped in unfulfilling,
destructive relationships. People have questioned the value of marriage and
monogamy, and have even reconsidered the value of long term commitments and
family. Some say that these changes have almost destroyed the family and
threaten the very fiber of society.
Even those who fought for,
and welcomed these changes now find themselves confused and unhappy in this new
social landscape, not sure how to proceed now that the old rule we fought
against have been largely abolished.
It seems that finding
happiness is more and more a matter of chance. Though finding happiness has
never been easy, the research about divorce shows that today the pursuit of
happiness in love is more bewildering than ever. The old, "rule book "
has been mostly forgotten, and men and women have to invent new ways of relating
and, statistic indicate, with little success. To complicate matters there is a
disturbing trend for both men and women to compromise in their expectations, due
to fears about disease and pregnancy. Some would rather settle down in
lack-luster relationships than have to deal with the difficulties of dating in
the nineties.
Greater freedom and
equality for women was supposed to make everything better; instead divorce rates
continue to climb, single person households proliferate and people feel
disoriented and unfulfilled. Women have discovered that when they follow their
feminist principles and leave their loveless marriages, they are often punished
by a severe decline in their standard of living. Many women and their children
were pushed below the poverty line when they divorced, while their ex-husbands
prospered.
Still, women have come an
enormous distance in the face of all this adversity. Most women now know how to
support themselves, both financially and emotionally, and, in general, women
will never be as dependent on men as they once were. Women today do want and
expect to be treated as equals at home and at work. They may want to have
children, but few would today be willing to be exclusively homemakers. Women
today are more self sufficient and less afraid of being alone and therefore much
less willing to settle for a relationship that isn't satisfying and beneficial.
For years now, women have
been talking and writing openly about their likes and dislikes vis-à-vis
men and despite the anti-feminist backlash of the 80's have continued to do so.
They are continuing to make legitimate, well-thought-out demands in the home, at
work, and in bed. They want jobs with equal pay, they want stature and respect
and they want men to support their independence and power. These women aren't
interested in men who are going to fight them every step of the way in order to
cling to outmoded styles of male domination.
How does all this affect us
men? Modern women are extremely challenging, if not alarming, to men. We want
them by our sides, but are irritated by their claims. We love their energy, but
fear that they may be overpowering. We admire their self-reliance, but aren't
quite sure we like their independence from us. To be with them makes us feel
manly, but also challenges our manhood. We can’t live with them and we can’t
live without them.
Men too have changed. We've
changed in response to women's changes, but also on our own initiative. As women
claimed independence we gleefully went along by avoiding commitment to the
traditional wife and family and going for the enormously attractive single life.
We gave up the family house and the four door station wagon and went instead for
a townhouse bachelor pad and a Porsche. Instead of saving our money for the
kids' education, we charged our skiing winters and tropical vacations on credit
cards. Yet after experiencing our own liberation from domesticity, most of us
have come to the realization that we would prefer to live a harmonious life, in
a secure home filled with children and friends, with a woman we love, than to be
perennial bachelors--as long as life doesn't become a terminal velvet trap.
We have in fact come back
to a familiar position, but find ourselves on higher ground. Our interest in
forming couples remains. Coupling is a source of security, power, comfort,
pleasure, and love. But couples have changed. In the past, couples were often
composed of two people who became one by each contributing half a person; he the
brains and income, she the heart and nurturing. Today, couples are becoming
partnerships of mutually respectful, loving equals working together to face
life's hardships and enjoy its rewards. In these relationships sexuality can be
given full and lasting rein. Among these couples, binding love and commitment
are expected to be mutual.
For men, marriage has
traditionally been a terrifying decision. Many a groom has been dragged to the
altar by his best man or propelled forward with a shotgun. It has seemed to us,
at times, that commitment to a woman is akin to a life sentence of forced labor,
and in some cases this fear has come true. But the modern woman doesn't want a
man as a slave any more than she wants him as a master. She wants a partner, and
that is actually a new and desirable proposition for a man. Under these new
circumstances, commitments can be totally different than they were twenty years
ago. The burdens--both at home and in the workplace--are shared, and the rewards
of the relationship--its pleasures, freedoms, and economic benefits--are shared
equally as well. Commitment to a modern woman is beginning to look like a good
deal.
What is not entirely clear,
however, is how the new social contract between men and women is to read. Plenty
of problems still remain between men and women. Men may have given up their old
roles, but they are not sure of what their new roles are supposed to be. All
this liberation and equality have brought new expectations and burdens for us.
In the eternal war of the sexes, many men feel that they have lost a major
battle; they feel martyred and put upon by changes that seem out of control.
When a man loves a woman,
today, he may have no idea how to proceed in a self-respecting and dignified
manner. This book is meant for men who want to be comfortable friends and lovers
with the women in their lives; for men who want to have long-lasting, secure,
yet sexually plentiful and exciting relationships; and, more importantly, for
men who want to be loving, sexy, and, dare I say it, sweet. This book will tell
you what today's women want from their friends, lovers, and mates, and how a man
can become appreciated and sought after by today's woman.
During the last twenty
years, what is admirable and likable about men has been obscured by the intense
criticism stemming from the new perceptions and expectations of women.
Therefore, in order to start on a positive footing I decided to find out what
women like about us.
With the help of several
associates, I asked hundreds of women the question "What do you like about
men?" The answers often related to how he felt about himself:
"There is a certain
way he uses himself, how he is open, at ease, comfortable, which attracts me
about a man, even if he is not good-looking. It's an energy, a positive
attitude. Not conceited or macho but comfortable with himself," said one
woman in her thirties, a legal secretary for a large firm.
"I know some men think
it's correct to be very self-critical and guilty about being a man, but to me
its a turnoff," said Patty, 29, a women's health social worker.
"I appreciate men who
are willing to be questioned about their sexism. But I don't like men who carry
around a cloud of male guilt. It's a total wet blanket to my sexual
feelings," was Dahlia's opinion. Dahlia is in her forties, recently
divorced.
In spite of the heightened
awareness women have developed about men's shortcomings, women, with a few
exceptions, still like men and haven't given up on them.
"I like their
bodies," another woman says. "I like their sturdiness, their solidity,
how they are lean and hard. I like men who appreciate their own bodies. That's
why I find gay men attractive. They are into the beauty of men's bodies and love
their own. Gay men move so gracefully sometimes. The graceful male body is
beautiful.”
"I like men's penises.
They are such a fantastic combination of strength and vulnerability. I like to cradle a man's testicles and penis
in my hands when it's soft. The penis is such a fascinating gadget, the way it
gets hard in your hand," said Mary.
"I really like the way
men smell. With some men it was the most attractive, addictive thing. The way he
starts to smell when we are making love. I did not want him to leave and take
his smell with him," said Peggy, 36, a baker at a neighborhood bakery.
"I love men's
forearms, upper arms, and shoulders. I find the muscles and veins, and their
effective, powerful hands unbelievably sexy. I can look at a man's forearms and
their shape turns me on. I have to look away," said Denise, a successful
free-lance journalist.
Many women responded
similarly. They liked men's muscle formation, their upper body strength, the
density and firmness of male flesh, men's body hair, whiskers and baldness,
their genitals, the timbre of their voices, and the way they smell.
Other women liked men's
minds, the way they think. For instance, Janet, a psychiatric nurse, 23, said:
"I like the way men understand machines and the way they can fix things. I
like the way they approach a problem in a mechanical and systematic way, using
logic and their minds as tools."
Another woman said, “Men
are good at making you escape. ‘C'mon, get your hat on, let's go!’ Women sit
and stew. I like men's detachment skills, when they can also be close."
Tina, the mother of two
small children, said, "I like the things in men that I, because I'm a
woman, have been prevented from having. I like their capacity to stay cool; I
like the way they can be high-strung, active, intense, humorous, aggressive. I
like those things because they are things that are missing in me. I know I could
do all those things too, but my upbringing led me away from them. So I like to
get them from men."
"What do you like
about men?" I asked Sandy, a carpenter in her early thirties. "I like
to work with men, they get the job done," she said, with no hesitation.
"That sounds like a
sexist attitude. What do you mean?"
"They are more goal
oriented. Women tend to have feelings at inappropriate times. I like to be able
to plan with a man who works for me to do something by a certain time and get it
done. With a woman I am liable to have to get into a discussion about feelings.
With women often times I come up against the insidious psychology of how they
were brought up, how their father treated them. I find it is very easy to push
women's buttons. I might ask a woman to pass the hammer and that might be enough
to trigger her to feel that she won't be able to deal with it. Men can lake
orders and do things efficiently."
"Men are so important,
" high school biology teacher Pilar, a Mexican woman of 32, assured me.
"How?" I asked.
"Not as bosses or
soldiers, but as men, because they are men, and as men they have an important
function in the scheme of things."
"I like men's
tradition of courage and concern for people, their sense of responsibility. Men
have much to be proud of in their history. There have been so many heroic men
who have given their lives for important things. I admire that," Ricky, 48,
answered.
"What do I like about
men? I like their masculine tenderness--large and encompassing. I like the spark
of their intelligence and open-heartedness. I like their capacity to protect
me," answered Rocio, 23, a Spanish agronomy student.
After the question was
asked many times, a pattern seemed to emerge: On one hand, women like men, as
men, because of their genetic, physical characteristics of manhood. On the other
hand, women like those characteristics that they themselves have been alienated
from by the way men and women are brought up. Men are trained, generally, to be
rational and unemotional, skilled with machines, assertive, willing to take up
space.
This desire to be with
people who have what we lack is not particular to women.
It's one large reason for
men's need for women, who have the warmth and emotionality men often lack and
long for. The fact that this mutual attraction may be based on a reciprocal
shortcoming doesn't make it any less real or something to be ashamed of. For as
long as women and men are different from each other, they'll look to each other
to fulfill what they lack. Men can be proud of the things they are good at
because they are men.
Our survey also revealed
that women often liked in men the very things they complained about at other
times. I had to ask myself, "Do women, when everything is said and done,
really want men who are unemotional, aggressive, and mechanically
inclined?" I was forced to again consider the popular myth that women like
to be dominated and protected by silent strong tall men. Apparently, this
conception, which the women's movement has fought so hard, is not easily
disposed of. For example, Frances, 35, a highly paid editor living with a man
and his and her children, said,
"We [women] don't
really know what we want. I like men to have feelings, but I don't want them to
be angry. I want them to treat me as an equal, but I want them to be strong so I
can lean on them. I resent their skills, but I still let them get their hands
dirty while they fix my car. " The ambiguity Frances expresses is not
unusual; what do women want?
Eventually, I recognized
the answer: Many of the qualities that are appreciated in men are also the
things they are most disliked for--when they are taken to an extreme. As Karen,
a woman in her forties who has known many men and given the matter much thought,
said, " I know what I want. Strength without violence, feelings without
sloppiness, skill without being patronized, logic without mind-rape. I want men
to do what they do well in moderation and without expecting to be put on a
pedestal for it."
Women clearly don't
appreciate dominating, cold, egotistical men lacking in emotion. They also get
no kick out of self-deprecating, guilty, withdrawn men. In other words, what
women want is "no more macho, no more wimp." They like being loved by
them. They like being able to love them fully and without reservations. Women
like men's strength, virility, and boldness, and would like them to develop
gentility, delicacy, and tenderness. And those are things that any man either
has or can develop, provided he is truly interested in loving women.
Having confirmed that there
are still many things that women do like about men, I wanted to take a close
look at those complaints about men that are voiced over and over by women, to
see if there is some truth in them. So in our questionnaire, we also asked women
what turned them off about men as friends and as lovers.
Many men are truly puzzled
when certain complaints repeatedly come up in their relationships with women at
home, at work, or in conversations at gatherings. These complaints often seem
out of context, practically out of the blue, and are frequently fueled with
intense feeling, sometimes rage, which seems totally out of proportion to the
facts of the matter. Some men can't understand these complaints at all; some
think they are valid but exaggerated. Others accept the principle behind these
complaints--the historical inequity and domination between men and women--but
can't deal with the heavy emotions and anger some women bring to these issues,
and feel understandably overwhelmed when asked to personally atone for centuries
of injustice.
In these situations, some
men will argue self-righteously or become extremely defensive; some will try to
joke their way out, and some will dummy up. We have all witnessed a conversation
in which a woman voiced an angry but legitimate complaint only to be faced with
a man's summary invalidation of her point of view. The uselessness of these
exchanges has struck me as saddening to the point of being tragic. The woman
clearly had a point, but given the man's awareness, it was badly stated and
mixed with so much feeling that only a man already acquainted with the complaint
could weather the intense emotion. The usual male response of defensiveness
serves only to reaffirm the woman's view, leaving a chilling gap between them.
Consider the following drama overheard at a cocktail lounge.
Mary had been dancing with
a man, and returned to her seat around a low table heaped with drinks.
"What a creep!" she says.
"Extreme repulsivo,
eh?” quips Sonja. "Really, these guys think they are God's gift to
women."
Reluctantly Frank takes the
bait. "You didn't have to dance with him, you know."
"He wouldn't leave me
alone. I thought I would get rid of him if I danced with him once."
"C'mon, you know you
like it," Sam interrupts.
"What! Having some
slob rub himself all over me? What is it with you guys, you're so into getting
laid that you can't tell when a woman isn't interested?"
"Oh, oh, here comes
the woman's lip!"
"Listen, Sam, I'm no
feminist, but I'm sick of horny guys who can't take no for an answer."
"If you can't stand
the heat, stay out of bars, is what I say."
"Oh yeah? What gives
you the right to tell me to stay out of bars? Next thing you are going to say is
that I should stay out of the street and that if I get raped, I was asking for
it!"
"Well, some streets,
some nights, you would be asking for it."
"Yeah, and I suppose
you are going to tell me that I'd enjoy it."
"I didn't say that,
just that you've got to expect certain things in certain places! "
" Don't give me that,
you really think I like being harassed by men" (and so on).
In these familiar debates
both the women and the men have a legitimate position: She resents the
assumption that men's insistent pursuit is pleasing when, in fact, she felt
intruded upon and wished to be left alone. He sincerely believes that in the
context of a bar, men are correct to assume that she is at least interested if
not available. Neither is responding to the other's point of view and the
exchange produced more heat than light on the subject. Everyone around the table
was left upset, and for some it spoiled the evening.
In this chapter I would
like to explore the woman's viewpoint with the hope of being helpful to my male
readers. It is reasonable to assume that most men are doing their best to be
good men. Therefore, when we are lumped together as a group and accused of a
typical male shortcoming (" All you want is sex--a typical male" or
"Just like a man, emotionally retarded"), we need to realize that
whether fair or not, these accusations are best not taken as personal attacks.
If, in fact, we are
unwittingly acting according to some primitive male tradition, then our behavior
is the result of role training for which we are not wholly to blame. As long as
we don't understand what we are doing wrong, we cannot, in all fairness, be held
responsible for it. We don't have to react with guilt and need not be defensive.
Instead, we need to understand the criticism and then we can proceed to do
something about it if we wish.
To help understand our male
role behavior, it is useful to remember the following: When human beings are
born, they are divided into two groups. One group is told: "When you grow
up, you will be a girl, and you should be a supportive and nurturing person. In
order to be truly good at being nurturing it will be useful for you to be
intuitive and capable of reading people's minds, especially men's, because men,
bless them, aren't good at asking for what they need. Since your major task will
be to nurture, you won't need to be very rational. You don't need rationality in
order to be supportive; in fact, rationality interferes and could even be
detrimental to nurturing. It is best to try not to under-stand certain
things.”
The other group is told:
" When you grow up, you will be a man. A good man must think clearly and
logically; his main task is to solve problems, especially problems related to
power and how to accumulate it. Being tuned in and sensitive is not essential to
a man because it will difficult to think logically if you let people's feelings
interfere. Success--being a competitive worker--will be difficult if you become
too aware of others' emotions, so it is important that you put rationality above
feelings. Leave emotionality and sensitivity to women; they are better at it
than you."
These instructions affect
all children--less so now than in years past, but they are still a pervasive
influence on our young. Even if the household in which we were raised did not
particularly subscribe to this point of view, there still are schools,
television, the movies, the news-papers, and other adults and children to
reinforce these points of view.
Of course, every person has
had different role training and influences operating in his life. The point is
that no man is free of them. How does this early-life, basic training affect
men's eventual character? Naturally, the effect varies, but let me draw you
three caricatures of the outcome of these childhood instructions when driven to
three different extremes: " The Sex Machine" "The
Workaholic," and "Cool, Calm, and Collected."
The Sex Machine; Men Are
Dogs. One
of women's major complaints about men concerns their intense interest in sex.
Each of the following comments comes from a different distraught woman.
"His only emotional
outlet is sexual. I only know he is feeling something when he is passionately
interested in getting into my pants." "Unless sex is in the picture,
he is not interested; if a woman is not sexually attractive, she doesn't count.
With him sex is first, everything else follows." "He only touches me
when he is interested in having sex; if I touch him, he assumes it is sexual--a
come-on. I am deathly afraid of showing any affection for him because I cannot
get him to be affectionate back without it becoming a sexual thing."
"It seems that as long as he is turned on to me, he has energy for me. The
moment that he comes, he goes away; he either falls asleep, starts reading, or
rolls over. I feel utterly erased as if I didn't exist."
These descriptions may be
extreme, but most men are aware of the kind of sexual focus we often operate
under. For a number of reasons, some probably inborn, we seem to be compelled to
pursue women for the purpose of having intercourse with them. We may mask this
obsession and try to be civilized, or we may be blatant about it. We may be
successful at it, or we may be utter failures; nevertheless, we seem to have
that tendency to think of women as sexual opportunities and often little else.
And they know it.
Some say that it is a
specifically male urge having to do with inborn aggression and the biological
drive to procreate. Another theory is that since men are trained to suppress
feelings, the only feelings that remain are the powerful genital sensations that
the sexual act provides. When a man meets a woman who doesn't enjoy his
advances, the combination of his tendency to be unaware of people's feelings and
his drive to have intercourse results in a disregard for the annoyance he causes
her. He thinks he is hiding his intense sexual interest while she is utterly
aware of it. This relentless pursuit of sexual encounter is why women complain
that they appear to be mere objects for his sexual needs; hence, women's
accusation that men perceive them as "sexual objects."
Another more charitable
explanation for men's constant sexual search is that men have an insatiable
curiosity to experience women's intimate, emotional, sexual response. The reason
given for this is that men are cut off, alienated from their own emotions by
their upbringing. Women's feelings, therefore, become enormously attractive and
endlessly fascinating. Being in the presence of women's loving energy and sexual
passion is overwhelmingly pleasurable. To be able to generate such feelings in
women is wonderful, and to be able to feel them intimately is sublime. But even
so he will tend to relate to her as an object; a vessel of delightful female
energy, rather than as a particular woman, with likes, dislikes, complexities
and needs beyond her female charms.
This is a subtler form of
objectification, he relates to her as more than a body, appreciates her energy
and warmth, but still fails to relate to her as a real person. Often men who
pursue women in this way are like Narcissus, they feel desirable when they see
themselves reflected in her loving eyes, and they become drunk with this
flattering view of themselves. Women who are on the receiving end of this type
of attention or " love " eventually sense that they are being
treated as an archetype, rather than an individual, and come to feel
used. In addition women can be tempted into fulfilling this male fantasy and
will fake orgasms and exaggerate pleasure when there may in fact, be very
little.
Many women are so concerned
with their looks and their attractiveness that they turn themselves into
objects. By putting emphasis on clothes, makeup, and charming and attractive
behavior they become complicit in the process. In the end no real person can be
discerned and man trying to relate to this kind of a woman will be relating to a
front; its not surprising that he has trouble thinking of her as a person. He
may desire her, but he won't be able to understand her. He may be able to have
sex with her, but he won't know how to make love to her.
It is hard for men to
imagine what the experience of sexual objectification is like for a woman. We
assume that if we were on the receiving end of that kind of attention we would
be pleased and flattered. It's difficult for us to understand why some women
find it so hurtful and insulting, especially since not all women feel that way
and those who feel that way, don't always.
A comparable experience for
men is the way we are objectified as breadwinners and meal tickets. As we
evaluate women by the size of their breasts, we are likely to be evaluated by
the size of our wallets. We too are flattered when we are admired for our
earning capacities, but in the end it is a demeaning appraisal foisted on us by
the same sex roles that turn us into sex machines.
At the same time the
objectification of men's bodies by women is progressing rapidly along with
women’s willingness to be aggressive and predatory like men. The movies and
other media are showing women lusting after men’s “six packs” and powerful
"lats,” square jaws and good hair. Any man who is that attractive is
prone to experience objectification by women (and other men) and resented just
as much as women do. Men who fail the test of attractiveness are increasingly
feeling the sting of women’s disinterest and even derision; a familiar
experience for women but a new experience for many men
Men are being handed a dose
of their own medicine. This is, I believe, all to the good. It's probably the
single most effective way of instilling some understanding in us of how it feels
to be treated like a hunk of meat. Perhaps as women turn a jaundiced eye on our
imperfect bodies, we will develop more tolerance and understanding for the
female complaint about us.
All Work and No Play;
Men Are Workaholics. Another major
complaint about men is that they care about their work above all else. The
following comments come from a number of different women.
"When I talk about how
I feel, his eyes glaze over. He may appear to be listening, but he is gone to a
faraway land of business charts and stock options. " " He never has
any fun; he's always thinking of his work. " " I come in a definite
second in his life; first, the work, then, maybe if there is time, me. "
" Work, eat, watch TV, sleep, that's all he seems to want to do. When we go
on vacation, it takes him all the time to wind down. By the time the vacation is
over, he is just, finally, getting into it. " " He works two jobs, and
when he comes home, he fixes things around the house. I guess I can't complain
when he works so hard, but I hate it anyway. Why can't he relax and enjoy life?
" " Carl's interests are focused on work, success, himself. He doesn't
care about me, just himself and his ego. He is a good husband, I suppose, but if
husbanding requires interest in my feelings, forget it."
Mr. Workaholic is the
extension, to grotesque extremes, of childhood instructions to be a responsible
caretaker, boosted by the encouragement men receive when they fulfill that role.
Times are changing but men are still taught that their tasks in life are to
provide for a wife and family and to be as secure, rich, and powerful as
possible. Men who have taken these lessons to heart, and based their identity
around their role as bread-winner, are astonished when women question these
priorities. Relaxing, having fun, letting go--it's just not that easy. Some
drug, usually alcohol, may help to bring the workaholic down enough to make
relaxation possible.
Unfortunately, the alcohol
wears off, more is needed, and eventually he falls asleep or gets drunk. His
work-alcoholism may lead to alcoholism or some other form of drug addiction.
Some men use cocaine to increase their work output,
though coffee and
cigarettes still are the most traditional workmates. For these men, joy is hard
to come by. Fun and relaxation are not this man's common experience, though he
longs for and pursues them in his sexual life and drug use. Women are usually
ambivalent about men's intense focus on their work. At first it may seem
desirable. But when the work takes the love and joy out of the relationship,
hurt, anger, and resentment replace the initial acceptance.
Janet, a 40-year-old
housewife, said this about her husband's obsession with work: " Max is a
stockbroker, and he brings his work home. I used to bring him tea and sit and
read while he worked in the evenings. I never thought to complain. But as the
years passed and there seemed to be no end to his work, I began to hate it. I
suppose that I expected it to be less as he did better, but it actually got
worse. I felt like I didn't have a husband and began to question the whole
thing. As far as I am concerned, I don't care how well he does. It doesn't do me
any good after a certain point if he is never there for me. "
It’s important to balance
home life and work in such a way that neither security nor the relationship is
threatened. When a man loves a woman, he probably would appreciate being able to
establish such a balance; to do so usually requires ongoing discussion and the
cooperation of both partners.
Cool, Calm and
Collected; Men Are Emotionally Retarded. A
third major complaint about men is that they are tone deaf and unfathomable in
their emotional responses.
"With Don when things
are okay, I usually feel that I know him. Then suddenly he does something
disagreeable that I just don't understand. If I try to find out why, I just hit
a brick wall. He won't, or can't, tell me how he feels. His reasons don't make
sense to me, and I keep thinking, ‘If he only told me how he feels, I'd
understand.' "
"Sometimes I can tell
he is angry, but he denies it, " said Sue, 35, married to Jack, a truck
driver, 39. " Sometimes I am amazed at his lack of normal response. When I
expect him to be scared he is not. When I need nurturing, he gets turned off.
Then he gets depressed and doesn't know why. I just give up trying to make sense
of him." " He tries to appear cool, but all he is hard to read, and
hard to deal with. I know something is happening, and I can even guess what it
is, but he denies my guesses, and claims not to be feeling anything. So I am
left in the dark. After a while I get angry myself. The angrier I get the cooler
he gets. It makes me feel like a helpless child. I want to hit him so he'll feel
something. Then he looks hurt and scared. But would he admit to it? Not on your
life. "
Anne, 29, says about her
lover of four years: "He never
says, ‘I love you!' I know he does, or at least I think he does, and he does
try to hint that he does, but he never comes right out and lets me off the hook
by looking me in the eye and saying straight out and without hesitation, ‘I
love you.' "
The image of the totally
unruffled man of action, the silent type, tall, dark, and handsome, in control
of his feelings, of women, of any situation--the man who never loses his cool,
certainly never cries (unless someone dies, then maybe), and only gets angry
when totally self-righteous--is a powerful stereotype that we are constantly
exposed to on movie and TV screens, in novels, magazines, and comic books. This
image, when adopted by a real person, produces a human being who is easiest to
relate to at a distance; the closer one gets, the harder he is to like. Because
he is human, he really does have feelings. But he doesn't acknowledge them least
of all to himself.
Instead, he denies with
singularity of purpose that he needs, hurts, hates, loves, fears, and hopes. He
resists any and all attempts to bring him to deal with his feelings. The reason
for this is simply that he has been told in a multitude of ways, since early
childhood, that feelings are a weakness that men should not indulge in. He is
trying to be a good man in the best way he knows how. When his feelings get the
upper hand--often in the form of anger or in bouts of great depression and
guilt--he regards this as a breakdown of essential controls and quickly tries to
bring matters back to normal. If he fails, he may have a nervous breakdown and
wind up with a lifelong prescrption of Prozac. Men of this sort often manage to
stay emotionally withdrawn, even from those closest to them. Such a man may be
married for twenty years or more, and keep his wife at arms distance emotionally
through out. Women who live year
in, year out with this kind of coldness can become extremely bitter. Relate to
these kinds of men women may initially feel sorry for them and tolerate their
coldness and lack of feeling. "He loves me, " she may tell herself,
" He just doesn't know how to say it." But eventually, tolerance turns
into disappointment, hurt, and anger that will affect the relationship.
Such male characteristics
as described above are seldom found in their pure state in the real world. More
likely, parts of them are found in all of us. Every man has a little of the sex
machine, the workaholic, and the cool dude in him in different proportions at
different times of his life. I explore them here because they are the male
stereotypes that women complain about and because none of the three is a
particularly effective way to be if one wants satisfying, intimate relationships
with women.
Each one has its initial
appeal. A man who sweeps you off your feet with his sexual passion, who works
hard and is successful, or who is in control of this chaotic world we live in is
an attractive prospect. The drawbacks of these simplistic approaches to life
don't come out until he hangs out for a while, and we see that he is obsessed
with sex, success, or control. Glamorous though he appeared in the twilight of
romantic encounters, he is not quite as appealing in the sustained light of
long-term intimacy.
Ask yourself: Does any of
the above seem to describe you? Do these complaints ring a bell of recognition?
Can you say that you are not affected by the patterns of manhood that I
describe? As a man you are probably influenced by one or more of these male
roles, and you probably have suffered in your relationships with women (and men)
because of them, as have I. This is
only natural. But it is not necessary, and if we are so inclined, we can do
something to change it.
Men who find themselves
creating an emotional gap in their relationships would do well to concentrate on
becoming more aware and expressive of their emotional lives and the emotional
lives of others. This can be achieved through training in Emotional Literacy.
Let us begin this process of emotional education at the beginning, by Opening
the Heart.
Chapter 3. What
Women Want From Us: Opening the Heart.
Giving
affection is an instinct upon which human beings share with other mammals has
developed into a complex, multifaceted art. While we all have the instinct, not
all people are equally skilled in the art.
People's
repertories are often limited; for men, love is often restricted to sexual
lovemaking or fatherly concern. We are often embarrassed by the idea of an
extravagant show of affection. For women, on the other hand, love tends to be
connected with the open flow and expression of affection strongly felt and often
quite separate from sexuality.
Men and women
enjoy each other's style of loving; in fact, receiving that which we don't have
to give is a special pleasure. Women enjoy men's physicality and passion; men
enjoy women's tenderness and nurturing. But when we want to get back some of
what we give, we often find that our opposite number is struck dumb and that
there seems to be no way to get what we want and need.
Instead of
giving what the other wants, we often just give more of what we [want and] know
how to give. Consequently, we find ourselves giving more and getting less of
what we need in return. Ultimately, men often develop the feeling that women's
needs are infinite and impossible to satisfy. In fact, what women want is simple
and finite, only we don't always know how to give it. Typically, men find it
difficult to get the kind of sexual attention they want, and women have trouble
getting the nurturing and gentle tenderness they crave.
In interviewing
women for this book, the very first question we asked was, "When you first
meet a man, what causes you to be interested?" The answer almost
universally referred to the man's personality--his energy, his interests, his
attitude. It seldom had to do with his precise physical characteristics. One of
the responses that came up with a great deal of frequency had to do with the
man's eyes. "How he looks at me," or "What part of me he looks
at." The following are typical responses from several women.
"If he looks at me with interest, I like it."
"It's all in the eyes, the eyes are very important."
"It's the sparkle in his eye that first draws my attention."
"it's not the eyes themselves, but what they see that I care
about."
On closer
investigation it seems that the women who responded in this way were tuning in
to the fact that when men look at women, they frequently eye them with some very
precise standards having to do with their physical appearance.
While it is
certainly true that there are men who regard a woman as a piece of ass, and
perhaps a trophy to show off to one's friends, and little else, most men are not
that crude. But even for men who relate to women on deeper levels, there is a
deep seated habit, when first meeting a woman, to "check her out"
visually. Some men feel guilty about it, but find it a seemingly automatic
reflex, difficult to overcome.
Psychologists
recording the eye movements of persons looking at a painting have found that
different people look at different parts of the canvas in different sequences.
Some pay attention to one detail; others sweep over the whole canvas. I know of
no scientific research about what men look at when they meet women, but I have
spoken to many women who have become acutely aware of what most men do with
their eyes when meeting a woman for the first time.
Unfortunately,
men's perceptions have been deeply affected by a narrow definition of female
beauty that has trained the male eye so that it will almost automatically fix
itself on hair, breasts, waist, hips, legs, and facial features. Based on a set
of "acceptable" standards of appearance, men run a virtual spot
evaluation:
Breasts (check
one) 1. Too big.
2. Too small.
3. Perfect.
Legs (check
one) I. Too
short.
2. Too fat.
3, Too skinny.
4. Perfect.
Hips (check
one) 1. Too
large.
2. Too small.
3.
Perfect.
Face (check
one) I. Ugly.
2. so-so.
3. Perfect.
* Add up scores
** Choose women
with highest scores. If not available go to the woman with the next highest
score.
Certain of us
may be more interested in breasts than hips, or in legs rather than breasts.
There is a certain latitude about what is or isn't acceptable. This, of course,
is a caricature. Thankfully, few men are really this ruthlessly crude. But most
men engage in some degree of this type of thinking, though they may try not to.
Some men, of course, are less afflicted by this curse than others, but
unfortunately, it affects far too many of us.
The problem is
not really that men look at women's breasts, hips, and legs. Women's bodies are
beautiful, so why not look at them? The problem is 1) we often pay more
attention to body parts than personality, and 2) we evaluate them according to
preconceived ideas of beauty--we don't see the beauty that is there. In my
opinion, much of what women so dislike about men's roving eye is that it *puts
physical beauty above all else*, and that it judges in this crude, prejudiced
manner.
Renee had this
comment: "My friend called me
a hypocrite one night after a party, because I gave my phone number to this guy
who made a lot of flattering comments about my eyes and my hair. I've always
said that I hate it when guys focus on women's looks and try to seduce them with
flattery. But my friend only came in on the last part of the conversation.
Before that we'd been talking about my work; I teach art history. He asked me a
lot of questions, not just polite questions, but specific questions, he knew a
little about the subject and had intelligent things to ask. He asked me where I
was from, about my family, and told me about himself. When he said I had pretty
eyes, and that he liked the color of my hair and the way I wear it, it was
really nice, because I already felt he'd paid attention to the rest of me first.
I was actually really flattered, whereas usually compliments from men just make
he feel annoyed and imposed on."
Many men are
bewildered when women complain of being sex object, because they doubt women
would really enjoy it if their appearance were ignored. They assume women enjoy
being told they are beautiful as much as men enjoy being told they are handsome.
There is some truth to this, what women really object to is the constant,
incessant focus on their bodies, to the exclusion of all else, and through very
narrow standards of beauty. The solution then is not to ignore women's bodies,
but to look at the personality first, and then appreciate the physical beauty
without comparing it to some ruthless Playboy ideal. If men just looked and
appreciated more of what they saw, their gaze would lose the hungry or rejecting
edge and be less offensive.
One of the most
unfortunate consequences of men's fixation on women's physical beauty (narrowly
defined) is that many husbands find that after their wives have had children, as
their hips widen and their faces begin to show the signs of age, they become
less attracted to them. Their wives usually sense this loss of interest and feel
deeply hurt by it. Usually these things go unsaid, and can sow seeds of deep
resentment, leading to the erosion of the bond between them. This is really
tragic, and it all stems from a narrow conception of beauty which men can and
should unlearn. I explain how this can be done below, in the section on
retraining the eye.
Crude and
cold-hearted priorities are not the exclusive domain of men. Women have also
looked at men with superficial and exacting standards in mind--mostly having to
do with men's power, their ability to be providers and protectors. At times
their checklist is as cold-blooded as men's, from make, model, and year of his
car to gross adjusted income. To the accusation "Men look at women as sex
objects," men can respond, "Women look at men as money objects."
Both are exaggerated caricatures, but both have some truth to them. Fortunately
this behavior is behavior is becoming less prevalent in the wake of the women's
movement because it flies in the face of feminism.
In fact, women
have their own physical preferences, such as size, age, legs, face, shoulders,
or waist. An informal poll in New York's weekly Village Voice found eyes to be
highest ranking, while asses came in second. I have spoken to women who find
that they too have a hard time resisting the tendency to place undue importance
on the looks of a man when meeting for the first time, and feel bad about it,
especially since they don't like to be judged that way themselves.
But--and this
is very important--in the same poll most women questioned made it clear that
physical attributes aren't the most important. Much more often mentioned were,
"a sexy mind," "tone of voice," "intelligence and
charm," "attitude," "enthusiasm," "a man who pays
attention to me," "the way he stands," "a passionate
man," and, over and over, "his eyes". In other words, women do
tend to see more of the whole person.
While some
women find men's fixation on their bodies flattering, many women, especially
women who think of themselves as intelligent, powerful, interesting, or
independent, find it insulting. But when a man looks at the whole woman with
interest; if he looks at her eyes, at her face, at her hands, at her whole body
rather than her T&A body parts, then she will take note of the quality of
his interest and do so with appreciation.
One of the
reasons why we men focus on visual factors has to do with our egos; our need for
self-esteem and prestige. We fantasize about being walking into a party with a
beautiful woman by our side, driving down the street with her in a convertible,
being seen sitting at a table in a restaurant, or walking down the aisle. We
imagine how other men will appraise her and approve or disapprove of her as a
woman they'd like to be with, a woman they would compete for. While, on the
other hand, when considering a less conventionally attractive partner, we worry
that other men will find her ugly and lose respect for us for being seen with
her. Sadly, a man may hesitate to pursue a woman who genuinely interests him due
to such fears.
This tendency
is, I think, compounded by an aspect of male socialization; we are brought up to
be keen to size things up, to appraise. Some research indicates that men are
from birth more attuned to visual, spatial relationship, whereas women excel in
language skills. Men are trained to notice the physical characteristics of our
environment. We are tuned in to dimensions and proportions, and this tendency
carries over to our perception of women. We tend to see women's bodies before we
see anything else. This combined with men's focus on sexuality, and his concern
with prestige, result in the male vice of being exquisitely aware of women's
bodies, noticing every detail, every small diviation from the cultural ideal.
Each man must
ask himself if he wants to let these sorts of factors run his life, dictate
which women he will date and make love to, and with whom he will eventually
commitment. We have to ask ourselves whether we want to let other people's
visual standards guide our lives. True, certain women will rouse envy and
admiration in other men. So will a shiny new car or a yacht. In the very short
run there is nothing like a gorgeous woman in the passenger seat of a man’s
BMW convertible to attract people's attention and give us prestige. But
beyond the short run it isn't just looks, but everything else that makes people
attractive.
Strong physical
attraction can be explosive and intoxicating, but it does not usually stand the
tests of a lifetime together. Just as desirable, and more enduring, is being
with someone who is alive, happy, and full of love. Whatever "flaws"
she may have, real or imagined, will soon go unnoticed in a genuinely beautiful
person.
Bruce, a
successful writer in his 40's who had been married twice, said: "I picked
my first wife out of a crowd, at a literary party. Within minutes of meeting her
I knew I wanted to marry her. Actually, making her mine would be a more exact
expression of how I thought of it. Everyone thought she was a stunning beauty
and a fitting companion to a young, up-and-coming writer like myself. Well, she
was good-looking, no doubt, but our relationship was completely based on her
looks and my success. When we were alone with each other we were quite simply
bored. My second wife and I were not attracted to each other at first; we just
did not fit each other's idea of what each other should be. But we liked each
other more and more, rather quickly. Men don't do double takes over her on the
street, but my friends love her and love to hang out with us. I admit, I used to
think she was plain. Today I think she's gorgeous."
Women,
too, get caught in this kind of a trap. To be seen with a rich, powerful man
will arouse envy and admiration. The lure of such ego boosting prestige can
cause women to overlook their more intimate needs in favor of social flattery.
How often has a woman picked a silent, powerful man and discovered too late that
he is cold and ungiving, even abusive and cruel? When people pick their partners
on such superficial bases, they must expect
that their choices will be potentially flawed. In time, the more important, more
mutually satisfying dimensions of the person may turn out to be absent.
Most of us, in
the long term, are not this fixated on superficial beauty. But if you consider
your decisions honestly, most people realize they have a certain "range of
acceptability" when it comes to appearance, and are uneasy when they
imagine being seen dating someone who does not fall within that range. This is
especially true of men. It is really worth becoming aware of this subtle
discrimination most of us engage in, and considering how we might regret it in
the long run. Long after the crowds give their approval, we have to deal with
our *partner*'s true personality and may find it wanting. I've spoken to both
men and women who realize this problem, but don't know how to get over it.
Fortunately, new ways of seeing can be learned.
EXERCISE ONE:
RETRAINING THE EYE
We have seen
the problems our visual preoccupations can create. It is important, therefore,
to retrain the eye. But how can we alter this perverse, seemingly irresistible
tendency? There is something we can do to modify the way in which we perceive
women so that when we first meet them, our eyes see beyond their physical
characteristics and into the many other dimensions of their being.
When meeting a
woman, it's a good idea to disregard our strong tendency to pay attention to her
superficial dimensions. If our objectifying eye focuses on some
"blemish," it's very effective to overlook that perceived flaw and
search instead for something we find pleasing. If the eye is attracted to a nose
that doesn't have the exact perfect width, length, or turn, then we consciously
look for something that we do like, such as her eyes, her hands, how proudly she
stands. We can take note of what we like about her physically, then go on to
other, more psychological, aspects of her person; her attitude, her intelligence
or creativity. On the other hand, when we meet a woman who is a media beauty, a
"10," we need to overlook her irresistible* "perfect"
features and look for other things again; her hands, her voice, what she does
and likes, who she is.
That is, in
fact, what women seem to do when they consider men. One woman says: "Soon
after I meet a man, if I am going to like him, I know what part of him is going
to attract me. *It might be his smell, or his hands, his voice, the way he
stands, his arms, or maybe his chest. That's what I am drawn to over and
over."
Another woman
says: "Nobody is perfect. When I like a man, I am drawn to some feature of
his. It can be anything--I'm not choosy--like his profile or his skin. Other
things don't seem to matter much."
Speaking for
myself, years ago I simply could not see beyond women's body parts. My friends
could predict ahead of time which women I would be interested in and which women
I would ignore. I was repeatedly and severely criticized for this behavior.
In addition, only a few women had the appearance sufficient for me to be
interested. Usually, these women were the focus of many other men's interest as
well, and I found that there was usually some other man who was more attractive
to them than I. So, the beauty, more often than not, left me in the dust as she
and this other fellow walked hand in hand into the sunset.
When I
realized, in desperation, how harmful was my affliction, I began to retrain my
eye. I practiced for several months until it became second nature. I tamed my
eye's automatic scanning of breasts, hips, legs. I refused to reexamine the
aspects of a woman that I found unpleasing. I forced myself to go on from the
easily perceived to the more subtle. I searched for unnoticed beauty, explored
it, and expanded my awareness. I discovered how much unseen perfection, how much
power, sparkle, intelligence, and sweetness there is in people after I looked
beyond my eye's first focus. When I found something I liked, I rested on it,
relished and savored it.
One glorious
spring morning I noticed an unusually large number of beautiful women walking
the streets of Berkeley. I was puzzled. Was there a women's convention in town,
or perhaps a new influx of coeds at the university? Was spring forcing all the
beautiful women into the streets? But no, the women hadn't changed. It was me.
My eyes were seeing beautiful, flowing hair, ample hips, strong legs, faces full
of character, self-assured gaits. And, as I let myself admire these lovely
things, I saw shining eyes returning the compliment with a smile and a flick of
the shoulder that signaled their appreciation.
Since then,
though not completely cured, I am definitely much improved. The world is full of
beautiful women; too many in fact to fully attend to. I am like a kid in a candy
store--all due to a simple (though not so easy) change in perception stimulated
by retraining the eye.
The eyes are
the window of the soul, or so it is said. Eye contact is a very important aspect
of first meeting a person. We often avoid eye contact because we're afraid of
what we might see and of being seen. When looking into each other's eyes, people
connect in a way that has nothing to do with any other physical attribute;
attention flows directly between them without getting hung up on this or that
superficial detail. If the eye contact is accompanied by a handshake, a closed
circuit of energy is established that can say a great deal about what is
happening between the people involved. Whether the two people are compatible and
will like each other enough to pursue each other's friendship is often decided
in the [this] first few seconds of contact.
This kind of
eye and hand encounter will leave you with a number of impressions when you meet
a woman. Only if you are able to see beyond the surface, will the way you see
her, please her. Once you discover what delights you about her, you are well on
your way to phrasing your appreciation in a manner that will feel good to her.
So exercise One
is retraining the eye and finding the beauty. To practice it go somewhere where
you can sit unobtrusively and observe many people, like a beach, a shopping
mall, or a busy street. Observe ordinary people as they go by, not just
"10's" but "4's" and "5's" Search for something
that is pleasing to you. Refuse to dwell on what you don't like.
Next, spend
time with a woman you know casually. Once again search for positive attributes,
this time psychological attributes: her attitude, her creativity, her
intelligence, her energy, what have you. And don't focus on what you don't
appreciate.
Get the idea?
Okay then, practice, practice, practice.
EXERCISE TWO:
TALK TO ME SWEETLY; STROKES
Once we have
found what it is we like about another person, we can proceed to say it. For
some people this is an easy task. But for others actually saying what they
like—giving strokes in transactional analysis parlance—and how they like it
is quite difficult. They become tongue-tied with apprehension.
"What
if she hates what I say?"
"What
if I make a fool of myself? I'm not good with words."
The heart beats
faster, and he starts to sweat. "Maybe I should wait; tomorrow is another
day."
"She knows
I like her; why repeat the obvious?"
One of the
reasons men don't express their appreciation to women is that often men feel
that such a confession is tantamount to making a commitment. "If I tell her
how beautiful she is to me, she'll think I'm in love, then she'll want to get
married and buy a house and two cars and have *kids, and I'll have to work two
jobs to put them through college...!" Fears of this sort lurk in many male
hearts, resulting in what then appears to be emotional stinginess when he's
afraid to pay compliments or express his love. A man who is fleeing commitment
will be especially reluctant to say how much he likes a woman because to do so
cuts off his escape path, or so he fears. No wonder he breaks out in a cold
sweat!
Telling someone
how much we appreciate her doesn't automatically signal lifelong commitment.
Strokes (transactional analysis for recognition and compliments) can be given
freely without fear of the "tender trap." However, it is true that
because some women find the experience of receiving heartfelt strokes from men
quite unusual, there is room for potential misunderstanding here. A woman may,
in fact, wrongly interpret this experience. She may think he is buttering her up
for sex or that he is drunk or that he is in love with her. Still it seems
better to be loving and then deal with any possible misunderstanding than not to
love at all.
In any case, if
we are worried about how people are going to take our compliments, it's a good
idea to prepare them by "paving the way":
"I have
been noticing you the last few minutes; may I give you a compliment?" or,
"Can I
tell you something I really like about you?" or,
"I don't
know you, but would you be offended if I told you something that struck me as
very attractive about you?" or,
"I've been
meaning to tell you something. I know compliments make some people feel awkward,
but there is something I want to say to you, do you mind?"
At this point,
you have perceived something you like about a woman and have made sure that she
is willing to hear your compliment and to hear it as you mean it. It's time to
put it into words.
A stroke
doesn't have to pass muster as scientific truth. But it has to come from the
heart it needs to be sincere. If I say, "I think you are beautiful (smart,
funny)," I only have to make sure that I truly believe it. Even though it
is important to generate warm appreciation where there may initially be lukewarm
interest, it is absolutely essential that it be heartfelt rather than a white
lie. Once you have figured out what you sincerely like about a person, it won't
hurt to go somewhat overboard and be biased, hyperbolical, and metaphoric,
particularly since men tend to be objective, laconic, and sparse. In other
words, when it comes to compliments, it's better to go slightly overboard than
to fall short. It's better to be melodic, rhapsodic, or poetic than to be
boring.
For instance,
if you are inclined to say, "You are smart," why not say, "I have
been noticing you talking to different people and realized how really smart you
are"? Instead of saying, "You are funny," why not say, "You
know something, you really crack me up. I love your sense of humor"? Why
say, "You are beautiful," when you can say, "Every so often when
I look at you, I am startled by your beauty. Sometimes you take my breath
away"? Women like poetry so let every affectionate statement be a poem.
As you begin to
express your affection, some women may mistrust you and not believe it. A woman
may shrug imperceptibly, or make a face or blink or close her eyes while she
listens internally to a voice (her inner Critic)* saying, "Oh, he is just
saying that to make you feel good," or "Oh, oh, here comes the sexual
pitch."
If you suspect
that kind of thing you can *add "I have the feeling you don't believe me. I
really do mean it." If she seems to suspect this is a pick up line, you
should add "I don't want to make you uncomfortable; if I did I'm
sorry." This doesn't mean you should then slink away in guilt or
embarrassment; it's just to let her know you aren't out to bother her, just to
share an admiring observation as respectfully as possible.*
She may answer,
"You don't really mean that; you are just saying it." You will be able
to answer, convincingly, "But I do, I really, truly do." Try again and
ask her to believe you this time.
She may really
truly not want to be complimented, that is always possible. On the other hand
she may respond with a toothsome smile, a hug, or a happy sigh, and then you'll
know that you have successfully engaged in a reciprocal, if small, loving
act--the giving and taking of affection.
So, exercise
two is Talk to me Sweetly (and watch me melt). To practice this exercise start
by choosing a person you know and can trust and after asking her for permission
tell her some of the flattering thoughts you have had about her. After you can
do this easily, practice on people you don't know well; at work, school, or in
the street.
And of course,
nothing is as well received as when at a chosen moment we catch the attention of
someone we deeply love and sincerely, smilingly, unhesitatingly recite the
shortest, sweetest poem of all: "I love you."
EXERCISE THREE:
LOVE ME BEYOND WORDS.
So far, I have
been referring exclusively to the verbal expression of positive feelings. But
there are other ways in which people show their love. For instance, the very
fact that two people are having a good conversation; even if it does not include
overt statements of affection, is a form of mutual appreciation and stroking. In
the process of a conversation, a person responds positively to another by
listening, carefully considering what the other is saying, and taking it
seriously, by either agreeing or respectfully disagreeing and by showing
recognition of what is being said by nodding, smiling, or even laughing.
One of the
subtle aspects of verbal communication is the tonality of the voice, which
expresses the emotional content behind what one is saying. The very same word,
spoken with different tones of voice, can have widely different meanings.
Obviously, a gentle, tender tone of voice is going to heighten the positive
effects of a statement, compared to a flat or harsh one. Even if all meaning is
extracted from somebody's speech, it's usually clear to a listener whether the
speaker is expressing a positive, neutral, or negative attitude just from the
tone of it.
How something
is said as well as what is said is, therefore, a very important aspect of what a
man desiring to become a loving person needs to pay attention to. Practice
tender speech; if you have difficulty speaking softly and lovingly to a person,
practice with a kitten, or a baby.
Touch Me,
Don’t Touch Me!
At times women
don't seem to want to be touched by men, and the reason is that they fear that
if they accept a man's touch, it will be interpreted as sexual acquiescence.
Women may seem overly paranoid in this respect, but men consistently over
interpret friendliness and openness on the part of women as a invitation. This
is something that women have come to resent. Some have come to absolutely hate
it.
"Why
can't he touch me without immediately getting turned on and wanting sex?"
one asked.
"Unless
I know I want sex with a man, I don't dare let him touch me because he'll think
it's a come-on," said another.
Yet another
swore, "I won't touch a man unless I know I want to have sex with
him."
Closely
related to the sexual touch is the power touch. Men often touch women as a way
to assert their manhood, their control and power. We hold a woman's elbow; we
take their hands in ours, guide them through doors or down the street. All this
can be innocent enough, but often it's a way to show mastery and then it can be
resented.
So men who are
shy about touching women have good reason. Men as a rule don't have an accurate
grasp of the extent to which they invade women's privacy. Men are allowed to own
the space they occupy and to move aggressively out of it into other
people's--especially women's. A man who is sensitive recognizes that in almost
any situation involving women he has the potential of a bull in a china shop. To
take the risk of touching them without creating problems requires a certain
amount of sensitivity.
The hands are
most naturally extensions of the heart. They are the ideal instruments of love.
Men seldom use their hands for any purpose other than sexuality or manipulation.
Many men touch children, or other men, or women only when they want to control
them. The benefits of touching are largely inaccessible to these men;
consequently, they don't touch as much as they need to, and tend to be
underdeveloped in the gentle art of touching. Yet, men's hands are often strong
and skilled in other ways, and it would not take much to learn their loving,
pleasure-giving capacities.
The sensitive
touch combines love and intuition. Love provides the energy, and intuition gives
us the knowledge of how to best direct our energy to soothe and give pleasure.
With our intuition, we can sense other people's need for touch.
If we pay
attention, we will notice when people have backaches, when they are in need of
encouragement and support, or when they just want to be touched, or not. This
intuitive awareness, combined with a loving energy, is the basis for the loving
touch.
Opportunities
to touch will present themselves if you are seeking them. People will complain
of headaches, pain in the back, sore feet, tired hands, all of which can be
soothed with touch. There is, of course, the initial touch of the handshake.
Beyond that, it is possible to touch people while speaking to them, while taking
walks, while going past them in close quarters, and when bidding them goodbye.
Brushing someone's hair can help a headache; holding and massaging someone's
hand can relieve their tension.
All sorts of
possibilities for touch are available and should be considered by a man who
wants to become more loving. The essential task, however, is to touch regardless
of any sexual consideration--to touch without expecting sexuality to become an
aspect of the touching. That will mean that we will touch without
discrimination; we will touch those we are attracted to as much as those we do
not find sexually attractive.
One very good
way of becoming acquainted with the way in which our hands can impart pleasure
is to learn massage. Any man who wants to become more loving can take a massage
course and find opportunities to practice on people he is close to. Offer to
give a head, neck, back, or foot rub. A friend may have been crying, or may have
been hammering nails all day; another may have sat all day at a desk or played a
hard ball game. In any one of these situations, it is possible to offer a rub as
a way to show our appreciation and to practice loving others.
So, exercise
three is love me beyond words (and I'll believe everything you say). Next time
you have an opportunity to give someone affection, pay attention to your tone of
voice, your posture, your attitude, how your feelings are transmitted through
your face and, in particular, your eyes. Use your hands with people you know
well; then experiment with the use of your hands with people you are not well
acquainted with.
These are some
of the things women want--don't treat me like a hunk of meat, talk to me
sweetly, but love me beyond words. But love of women goes beyond some of these
important manifestations of affection. If there is to be peace between the
sexes, we need to deal with much more, as we shall see in the following chapter.
Single men often see
themselves as hunted animals, covertly chased after by women who long for the
emotional security of marriage, who seem to view a husband as a kind of
security blanket. Even a young man who is in love will often be alienated
by his beloved's apparent eagerness to lose her freedom. He can't relate to her
seemingly fearless enthusiasm for commitment; he begins to suspect it must
be some sort of trap. Thus men largely have a fearful, elusive
attitude toward women.
On the other hand, men see
women as having something they want: love, warmth, sex--which they see they
see women using to tantalize them, and which women are not always willing
to share. Given the constantly raging " war of the sexes, " it is
sometimes difficult for men to see women as people they can love. Though a
man may be attracted to a specific woman and pursue her with the purpose of
" making love, " men often are simultaneously misogynists (woman
haters), as evidenced by the high incidence of abuse, battering, and rape
that women suffer at the hands of men.
Often, men believe they
have reason to fear and be angry at women because of specific past experiences
in their lives. The folklore is replete with images of women who hurt men,
who betray them, breaking their hearts, and humiliate them sexually.
Men feel they are often treated unkindly by women. Women reject them
or cling to them, use them, and make unreasonable demands. Many
men rarely get satisfaction from women, and when they do, the satisfaction
seldom lasts and often has many " strings " attached. Above all,
men often feel terrorized by women's emotions, which they don't understand and
can't seem to control.
Nothing will be gained by denying that women deserve anger from men. Women's role in the past required them to be passive, to get from men what they needed through devious means, and indeed, there are women who will do anything to make a man take care of them. Women, too, have been angry, often very angry, and have taken pleasure in humiliating men, making them crawl and beg for what they want. To men who are seeking a partner to share their lives, such women are the source of legitimate fear and anger. The title of this book, When a Man Loves a Woman is based on a song that states that point clearly: When a man loves a woman, Percy Sledge writes, " he'll spend his last dime, give up all of his comforts, sleep out in the rain, turn his back on his best friend just trying to hold